This post is going to be all over the place. I'm just writing to vent & because I think I need to somehow let all the crap in my head out so that I don't go crazy or drive Gareth insane.
This past week has been exhausting, with the whole family being sick I'm just feeling so gluggy & housebound.
Isobel still isn't 100%, she's still got diarrhoea & as a result is lethargic & unenergized. So not the kid I'm used to & I hate it. She constantly wants to breastfeed, even though I know she's not hungry. This is probably just for comfort but I read something last week about kids wanting to breastfeed all the time when they're bored so now I'm paranoid about that. So I try to play with her but I'm not sure what to do...building blocks & banging tambourines gets a little old at times. I feel like I should have all these amazing activities lined up for her but I don't. I've hit a wall with her & as a result I feel like a really crappy mum. Sometimes I hate the internet. You'll be feeling good about things & then all of a sudden you'll read something & it will throw you off the path, you start getting paranoid & everything goes downhill. Normally I'm good at ignoring these feelings but lately I just seem to be taking it all so hard. I don't really want to take her out to visit people or go to music class just in case she gets someone else sick & this means I'm getting no contact with anyone. I feel isolated & a little lonely. I'm getting angry with Gareth (in my mind, I never actually voice any of these thoughts to him). Sometimes I feel like he doesn't help enough with Isobel, but it's not like I ever ask him, I go ahead & do everything & then get angry about it. Sometimes I just wish he'd come home, take Isobel off my hands, make her dinner & stick her in her pjs just so I don't feel like I'm looking after her all day long. I get angry that he gets to go out all day, go to band practise & see other people while I'm stuck at home. How do I change all these crappy thoughts? I don't want to be angry & horrible to the ones I love the most. How do I get out of this funk?
This post sounds so whiny, I probably shouldn't publish it.
In the back of my mind I know that it's all just a phase, Isobel will start to feel better soon & it will all be back to normal in our household.
We all have days like this right?